I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
