Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
