I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
