I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
