so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
