Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
