I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
