You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
