i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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