Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
