proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
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Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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