I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
