It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
