im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
