My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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