I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
