Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
