Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
