thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
