Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
did you just send me my own nude
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
