hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
