There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
