omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
