so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
