so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
