Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
