My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
