My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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