Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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