LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
