at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
