my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
