I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
