I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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