I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
