i think my mom watched the whole time
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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