New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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