I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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