Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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