Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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