I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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