a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
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Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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