Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
