I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
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just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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