P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
