So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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