I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just had sex on a roof
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
