Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
