I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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