Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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