Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
