Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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