oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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