Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
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I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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