Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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