I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I love having hate sex.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
