I am puke
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
