Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
